Tony Hernando Repost: My Qld Holiday Blog

Tony Hernando Repost: My Qld Holiday Blog

Unread postby lazerzap » Fri Jan 17, 2014 4:17 pm

My Qld Holiday Blog.
January 13, 2014 at 3:36pm
Day 1:
Made it through Newman's border checks by hiding under a blanket on the back floor. I managed to hear some muffled chatter from who ever was talking to my wife, who i insisted drive from Tweed Heads, while we cleared the checkpoint. Something along the lines of "just checking for criminals and riff-raff madam" I got a severe stomach cramp and had to fight hard to resist the sudden urge to fart. It seemed like an eternity while the Stormtroopers did rego checks and kept asking my wife where i was..... it took a while before they accepted "he's volunteering his time to the homeless" to convince them that i was not out murdering people or selling hard core drugs. I tried to sneak a peek from under the blanket, but all i could see was part of a sleeve and what appeared to be a swastika emblem sewn into it. HE stood there for what seemed an eternity starring at my wife to maybe try to guilt her into blurting something incriminating so he could drag her screaming from the car and throw her into cuffs. He then said, "ok ma'am, you can go... but stay clear of any tattooed hooligans!!" Just as she started to move, i let out a sigh of relief.... the Stormtrooper yelled out "WAIT!, what was that?" "Must be the stereo" my wife said.... and drove off.... I suspect they have bugged my car, i don't know who i can trust...... they are out there... watching.... listening... stay tuned!!!

Day 1 Continued:

I reluctantly ventured out into the street to purchase some supplies for the unit. It was with some trepidation that i walked out into the open... i wondered who was watching, what people were thinking. I swore i could see people staring at my tattoos! As i hurried towards the Oasis i felt as though i was being watched and studied. I glanced up and down the street looking for vans with darkened windows, people looking at me over the top of newspapers that they weren't really reading, i am sure there were people taking photos from overhead balconies! After i hurriedly went through Woolies to get my groceries and paid for my purchase, i could see the cashier looking to see if my money was counterfeit! Well, thats what it looked like to me!! I stopped hesitatingly at the doorway to the mall wondering if people would look at my tattoos and piercings and quickly pull their children out of harms way....or whether some drug lord would mistake me for some kind of dealer and hand me a large bundle containing a strange white substance!

Thankfully i made it back to my unit without being stopped and searched! As i sit here typing this with the curtains drawn i am thinking i will wait until dark before i head down for dinner.

This is going to be a fun holiday!

Day 2:

I awoke this morning to a horrifying sound! i screamed to the wife "THEY FOUND ME!!" i could have sworn they were tearing down my unit door!! After what seemed like minutes, but in reality was only seconds, i realised it was only the garbage truck down stairs emptying one of the large skip bins. Once my heart rate dropped below critical level, and i arose from bed to empty what i just released into my undies, i crept out and peered through the side of the curtains and looked at the street below..... no new vans, no shady looking characters lurking with binoculars. So far, i was safe..... i stood there pondering the day and looked down at my tattoos with some sense of foreboding, and i started to prepare for the day.

The War Cabinet (my wife & I) laid out a map of the area on the table and we worked on our strategy for the day. We used sticks with blocks on the ends to push figurines around the map. I used a couple of Lego figures to represent my wife and I, and i manged to find some small plastic swastikas to use for Stormtrooper movements. We nominated safe zones, marked the "Friendlies" from the "Unfriendlies" Possible escape routes, names and numbers for sympathetic law firms. As i sit here, i can see somebody on the balcony of the unit across the street, i think they are watching me, time to close the curtains, or maybe purchase some foundation cream to smother my incriminating tattoos. I hear sirens in the distance, i think i better close the curtains and pretend i'm not here.Off for a shower and to venture out into the world again...... I hope that i can return here later....... i love the view. Besides, Pink Jump Suits clash with my eyes!!

Stay Tuned!!

Day 2 Continued:

I cautiously made my way to Pacific Fair scanning the Highway for any Stormtroopers. Once again, i could feel the eyes of the world upon my tattoos.... It was hard to tell if it was the sun burning my back, or the stares of the public, or worse still, some kind of device scanning my body for more tattoos or piercings.... i carefully snuck into Pacific Fair, but as i entered the main Mall area, everybody stopped and stared at me.... kind of like a Nerd walking into a Bikie Bar.... after a minute, people turned back to what ever it was they were doing beforehand when they realised i wasn't about to go on a murderous rampage. I was worried that some kind of tracking device had been planted into my phone, so i went to buy a new one.... I'm a little concerned that this one may be compromised! I could see the people behind the counter in the Telstra shop staring at me..... i think they may have bugged my new phone too! At one stage, i thought i could see a uniformed person walking towards me, i almost ran, but it turned out it was only the cleaner emptying bins and sweeping floors. After going down stairs, i saw a Police car parked out the front, and concerned for my welfare, i ran and hid in one of the small lane ways they hide garbage bins in. My wife spent the best part of 30 minutes trying to convince me that i could come out again. A steady parade of scantily clad women couldn't convince me to poke my head out.....Eventually, she waved a Doner Kebab with tabbouleh and BBQ sauce past where i was hiding and i slowly came out with the promise of something to eat. She looked at me for a while and told me i was being paranoid, and the police are not out to get me..... I think she is one of them!!

Tomorrow i am going to book in for 2 new tattoos..... i feel it may well be my last day of freedom in this state!!

Day 3:

Today i ventured to my tattoo dealer to book in for my fix. I drove the 5 kilometres there with much anticipation, and hoping that i could get there un-accosted! I could feel the eyes of other motorists on me, i put my arm on the arm rest and pulled my collar up, i think they could still see the piercings in my ears...... i am considering painting them in flesh tones so i can disguise myself while driving.
I managed to make it there without being questioned and strip searched, although i suspect that once they took a look at me, they wouldn't wish a strip search of ME on even the Highway Patrol officers..... I parked my car in a back alley about a kilometre away and crept in via a back alley. Once i walked inside there was no hard core drugs, people performing sacrifices of small animals, torture, beating pensioners for the bingo money, selling weed to school children.. NOTHING!! All there was, was the sweet smell of disinfectant, tattoo inks, plastic sheeting, brightly coloured tattooists plying their trade on what appeared to me to be perfectly normal people!! I asked one of those being tattooed if they had beat or killed anybody recently, and was not surprised to find out that they hadn't. I felt i was among my kinfolk! i felt oddly at home, a place where i wouldn't be judged because of my looks..... I stood there as a tear of joy welled in my eye and i grinned broadly at all that were there! I peered out through the front window carefully so as not to be photographed by the hoards of stormtroopers who were bound to be hiding somewhere out there... watching..... waiting....None could be seen, although i spotted a car that had followed me from Broadbeach...... i suspect he is a spy.
I booked a couple of days with the strict instructions that i be tattooed well away from any windows... just in case THEY were out there. After spending time basking in the serenity of the shop, with the whirring of tattoo guns in the background, i had to force myself to leave, i felt like i was removing a part of me, like i was leaving something special behind!!By the time i managed to get back to my car i was buoyed by a new found sense of being normal again!! only every 3rd person looked like they were watching me now! and i relaxed just a bit!!When i returned to my unit and hid my car underground again, i felt as though i could ALMOST face the world again!! I hugged my wife and said "Honey... i feel great now!!" So i wandered down to a different tattoo dealer and made another booking!! With this new found enthusiasm, i wandered up to the piercing studio to book in for more piercings!! after all, i could possibly fit into society in some small way now!! All was well again!!With my head held high, i walked into the Oasis Mall to buy some lunch with the wife and my daughter...... then i spotted him! there was a man at Starbucks, reading a paper.... well that is what he wanted me to think!! He had a blue shirt on, i think he was one of them!! I looked forward and soldiered onward towards the shop where i could get a Kebab with extra tabbouleh and BBQ sauce... as i rounded the corner, i just about poo my pants.... 2 stormtroopers parked illegally had crossed the road in front of me!! I was sure they were coming for me!! i stopped in my tracks, i was frozen to the spot... my wife looked at me questioningly..... i nodded towards the Stormtroopers who had gone to the Indian Restaurant for some poppadoms..... she tried to drag me forward, at that stage i poo and pissed my pants... this was it... pink jumpsuit time!! They would arrest me here and now...... As the Stormtroppers kept going, i managed to move my feet one at a time..... slopping through piss fill thongs and the flies had started to gather around my bum..... i needed to get out of here before the stench drew the coppers over to me. I almost ran the rest of the way to the Kebab shop, i hid behind one of the pylons inside the Oasis while my wife got my Kebab... I asked her to make it a mixed one instead... with extra meat!! We beat a hastyretreat to our unit with our kebabs and bottles of iced tea.... That purple car is back, i know he's watching. I'm typing this with the curtains drawn... I suspect i may have to stay here until i pick up my fix from my tattoo dealer...... Maybe tomorrow, i can once again summons up the courage to venture out into the world... i desperately want to go for a swim..... Maybe when it's dark.....

Day 4:

Another day in Herr Newmans Paradise.
I sat on my balcony this morning to drink my coffee, thinking that it would be ok, it was early, the spies across the road had not opened their curtains yet, i did my best to relax while the rest of the world was still asleep. After a while, a helicopter flew past! I choked on my mouth full of coffee.... i called the wife, she reluctantly got out of bed and staggered out to see what i was going on about. I pointed out the chopper.... she rolled her eyes and went back to bed..... but i know they are out there looking for tattooed people! i saw the camera!I quickly darted back inside in the safety of the darkened unit..... i decided against opening the curtains.
After breakfast we had an hour of discussion and strategy planning, I again decided i would attempt a shopping expedition to Pacific Fair.... maybe this time i could interact with non-tattooed people without being profiled by them..... We cautiously wandered up Albert Avenue. Before we reached the top end, 3 people had stopped and tried to sell stolen car parts to me, i furiously informed them that it was an entirely stupid proposition!! i couldn't fit them into the boot of my car to get them over the border!! While walking down the Highway there were people behind me, i could feel them staring at me, at my tattoos..... i was sure they were taking pictures of them. I stopped and pretended to tie my shoe laces, they stopped also!! Not too sure whether they were surprised that a person with tattoos had the intelligence to tie laces, or whether they were studying me and my strange coloured markings. I moved forward, they moved forward.... i stopped to get my phone out of my pocket, they stopped AGAIN! I spent a second trying to think of how i was going to get out of this situation, I then realised, they weren't following me, they couldn't get past me! I stepped to the side with my wife, and they walked past.... i felt a huge relief!
We managed to make it to the shopping centre un-accosted.... this time, i went in via a different entrance to last time. There were a couple of pauses as people took in what they were seeing, once they glanced down and saw i hadn't taken anything from their shopping bags.... After a while I was increasingly aware of people glancing in my direction, I could see the look in their eyes. I saw one mother pull a child closer as we walked past, the child looked up at me, then his mother "Mummy, that man has a big beard and tattoos!" Just as we walked out of hearing range i could hear her reply "He's a bikie honey! we need to stay clear of him, he's a bad man!" It was as if i had been shot in the back..... that word BIKIE. Suddenly the whole world was looking at me!! I again felt like a pariah, i could feel their stares.... We soldiered on shopping as we would normally, but i put my dark sunglasses on so i could observe what was happening around me without others being able to see my eyes, well that's what i told me wife anyhow.
I am sure that security guards were following me, looking to see if i was selling drugs, stealing merchandise, picking pockets. We stopped for lunch, i cautiously sat in the food court. I felt very uneasy, there were a LOT of people there!! i could see some of them look at me as i ate. I saw other tattooed people wander past they walked with their eyes downcast, probably watching for security guards or possible stormtrooper activity. I pitied them and wondered why we didn't have some kind of place that tattooed people could hang out, i realised that Newman had one!! Solitary confinement in a PINK jumpsuit!! I broke out into a sweat, and insisted that we make our way back to the safety of our unit where i could peer out and watch what, or who was out there looking for me. Looking for my kind....As we got closer to our unit i saw Stormtrooper vehicles on the highway... they were coming for me!! My paranoia was building and i couldn't think clearly.....i started to rub my arms vigorously thinking this was going to somehow hide my tattoos. On the footpath ahead i saw 2 people in uniforms... BLUE SHIRTS!!! my panic rose to a level where I went into some kind of detached fugue state.... an insane resolve possessed me... they WOULD NOT take me alive, i will NOT wear a pink jump suit!! The next 10 or so minutes are a blur!In the end I worked out that the guys in uniform weren't stormtroopers, they were parking officers.... i hope they don't find the bodies until after i go home!!

Tomorrow, i want to go to the Casino.... That place is full of cameras!!

Day 5 so far:

It has been too bad a day so far staying firmly ensconced in my 10th floor fortress. It hasn't been all roses though... several sirens on the street below, one slowed as he passed my unit... I contemplated heading for the fire escape and running to the roof, but he kept driving, I think he spotted another Tattooed person somewhere down near the mall and decided to strip search him instead. For a short while there I relaxed enough to put an Aliens DVD on, maybe seeing Signourney Weaver in her underpants would relax me somewhat. It was working for a while and I had lay down on the lounge to watch the movie when suddenly a couple of ropes fell past my side window." HOLY flick!! they are coming to get me!! they found me!" My wife raced in to find out what was wrong... breathlessly I pointed to the ropes now swinging past the window. "You IDIOT! it's the window cleaner!" Sure enough, a few seconds later a guy with a squeegee in his hand abseiled down to the window and proceeded to clean it. He had a grin on his face, he could see the terror in my eyes!! I think he was taking photos of my tattoos, so I hurried to the bedroom to escape his gaze. I will have to find out what it's going to cost to get the poo stains out of the cushions on the lounge.... My wife wanted me to go to the Mall with her to get some lunch, I told her she was crazy for suggesting it!! So she shook her head yet again and went to get lunch for me. Doner Kebab with the usual! I still think she is one of them! I need to build my courage for my trip to the Casino later... i hope they let me in. I'm contemplating wearing draw string shorts to make the strip search quick... that way i can get to a blackjack table!

They have cameras over them too did you know!!

They will be watching.

Day 5 The Casino Trip:

I tried to take the monorail to the casino, it was out of service! That left me with the only option left, I had to walk through the general public to get there by foot. I wore short sleeves! my tattoos were visible! There was the usual stares, and slight sideways steps as I walked towards the casino, one young child looked at my tattoos and tugged on his mothers skirt and promptly ran behind her to hide. Up on the highway 5 police cars, a SWAT team, and the riot squad had pulled over 3 riders on 50cc mopeds who had the audacity to ride in a group. One was cuffed, the other laying on the ground with tazer barbs lodged firmly in his back, and the other poor bastard looked as though he was stripped to his underpants and copping a cavity search... I am sure one of the cops was smiling. The rest were just salivating, it was a frightful sight! I used the distraction to sneak my way across the highway and quickly walked behind the hoards of people who had gathered to watch the valiant & heroic police take care of those nasty nasty motorcycle riders. As i approached the front door of Jupiters, I could see the cameras moving, following my every move. When I walked into the main casino area, the security guy looked at me closely, my tattoos, my piercings, and asked me for my ID. I found this disturbing! I hadn't been asked to prove my age since I was 12 years old. As I wandered around looking for a blackjack table I resolved that i was going to sit at ANY table, screw the video cameras!! I found a seat between a middle age woman and an elderly Asian fellow, they saw my tattooed arms and carefully moved their stacks of $5 chips a little further away from me. I slid $200 in 50's onto the table, the croupier looked at them for a while before carefully counting and double checking my stack of chips, I think she was worried that I might leap over the table and savagely beat her just for the fun of it.Suddenly the Pit Boss came over and stood there with his arm folded in front of him, I'm sure there were more security guards around this table watching my every move. Pretty soon the Asian dude grabbed his chips and left, not long after, so did the middle age woman. During the time I was at that table there was a steady stream of people who would sit down, look at my tattoos, make a bet, and then leave. That worked in my favour! I had the table to myself!After I had done my dough, as I usually do! I went to find the wife, she was busily feeding $20 notes into the pokies like a fat kid eating fries at Mcdonalds. After I managed to drag her kicking and screaming away from the pokies, I sneaked my way home using the shadowy night as cover. On Surf Avenue, there were 4 Harley's parked in front of one of the restaurants, I looked across the road and there was a cop with a 2-way in his hand, I think he was calling in the stormtroopers!! I rushed back to my unit before they arrived... off in the distance, I could hear sirens. They are coming!! I closed the drapes, crept into bed and fell into a disturbed sleep.

Day 6:

After last nights brief casino visit, and buoyed by the fact that I am yet to be pulled aside and strip searched for a rectally hidden drug stash, I decided I was going to be a big boy today and venture out into the world. My wife thinks that therapy will help ease my paranoia with my tattoos, but I explained to her that I wouldn't be paranoid if everybody wasn't out to get me! (think about it! ;) )
I wasn't stopped by people with bags of drugs, people trying to sell me stolen car parts or video cameras, no snide looks or sideways glances either!! the fact that it was only 6 am may have helped somewhat! But I was going to go shopping any way possible! Pacific Fair is peaceful at that hour, so I sat and relaxed for 4 hours while I waited for shops to open. It was kind of like they were entering MY world, instead of me entering theirs, so I found that I felt far more comfortable watching others arrive. Like going to a party, right! later arrivals always get the stares!!
That worked fine until I stood up and moved, that exposed my tattoos, and the sneak peeks started, sideways glances, looking down at shopping bags to ensure I didn't slip my tattooed hand into them as they walked past. I saw other tattooed people wandering around, I think I have worked out some kind of hand signals that we can use to maybe warn each other of impending Stormtrooper activity. One guy with tatts walked by and made momentary eye contact with me as an acknowledgement of my presence. We dared not stop to speak, this could be misconstrued as "association" and I have developed this phobia of anything pink! Walking past the jumpsuits in the baby section of K-Mart makes me break out into an uncontrollable sweat! This one guy clasped one wrist with his hand, I was assuming this meant handcuffs, and then he pointed to his penis, that either meant the cops were near, or he needed to piss, I wasn't sure! I walked around the corner from Target and in the entrance to the cinemas were several police vehicles!! I saw flashes of pink, and pissed my pants, again. I really need to have my prostate looked at! Frozen to the spot, with piss filled shoes, I could barely breathe! I tried to say goodbye to my wife before I was thrown to the ground, tazed and carted to the cells to be placed in my pink jump suit. It took me an age just standing there waiting for my fate when it dawned upon me that they weren't there for me!! they had a display set up for the kids! I let out a huge sigh of relief and laughed nervously. My wife rolled her eyes yet again!! Did I tell you I think she's one of them? And she wandered off to Lowes to buy me some new undies and a pair of shorts!We gradually made our way to the food court for lunch, I sat there eating my kebab with extra tabbouleh and BBQ sauce quietly, trying not to see the others studying me... a little kid sitting near us said "mummy, something smells like pee!" I had forgotten to change my shoes and socks...... We managed to get home without too much drama, just the usual, cars slowing down, with kids leaning out the windows and pointing at my tattoos, I am pretty much used to that now!
Tonight I think I might venture down the the BBQ area for dinner, there are no cameras down there!

Day 7:

After the traumatic experience of yesterdays shopping expedition, I decided to spend the day in my unit. My jangled nerves needed healing! Dr Bundy helped me out with some soothing Spiced Rum. Numerous times I would part the blinds and peer out into the big wide world, it looked like it was a lovely day out there, I actually considered wandering down to the pool area for a swim, but I have to walk outside for that to happen, and I thought that if a cop came around the corner and I pissed my pants once more, somebody would commit me. Besides, I need to get my poo together because I am planning on doing something more dramatic than I have attempted this holiday so far!! Tomorrow I am going into the Devils Lair!! AKA Surfer Paradise!! I contemplated going to stand on the corner for a short while and see if a drug king pin would see my tattoos and offer me some drugs, maybe I could venture into the Den on Valium. But that wouldn't help, I have to drive there!! Having my wife drive would mean that SHE would end up voiding all bodily fluids just driving the 4km up the road!!Did I tell you that I think she is one of them??After a few rums, I mellowed somewhat, half a bottle of Bundy will do that to a man During the past days, I have gotten used to the helicopters flying past, it doesn't stop me from hiding behind the curtains, but I no longer get the urge to run screaming from the room with an overwhelming urge to piss my pants. Just prior to lunch I heard a rather loud noise and I thought, "that's a bit loud for a chopper" I got up from the lounge and peered through the blinds facing the ocean... it was a snapper ARMY CHOPPER!! Flying low and slow!! HOLY flick! They found where I am living!! I fully expected to see ropes drop over the side of the building and have commando's smash through the side windows!Just like in the action movies. I broke out in a full body sweat, and although i managed to somehow not piss my pants AGAIN... I started to drool uncontrollably. Again time seemed to slow down! What was only 10 seconds, seemed like 10 hours!! I had flashes of pink jumpsuits, solitary confinement, no computer, and no FACEBOOK! My world would end, here and now!Once I managed to focus and my head stopped spinning, I saw that the chopper was continuing to head north, probably somebody with tattoos riding a motorbike further north, they were on their way to take control of the unfathomable situation where a bloke with tattoos should enjoy a ride on Qld roads un-accosted. I sat here wondering how those poor bastards on the mopeds were doing after their ordeal...... I was wondering if they had been fitted with pink jumpsuits yet.Day 7 down, 7 to go! I don't know if my nerves can stand the tension! 3 tattoos, and 2 piercings to get before I leave! They have video cameras in Surfers don't they????

I wonder if I can get bottles of Bundy delivered to my door?

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